Christmas Time Is Here!

I love the Christmas season. It is the most awesome time of the year. To celebrate, I've grown my beard out again throughout November and I have written the best Christmas special ever! Here it is folks. Prepare your minds to be blown:

First Southern Christmas Special
By Noah and Dano Vance
Josiah walks into the church and straightens his scarf as the song “Linus and Lucy” by Bela Fleck plays. The title “First Southern Christmas Special” comes up on screen. As Josiah walks, opening credits begin showing up on the bottom of the screen. Josiah walks through the new building and comes out near the fellowship hall where Noah is playing the banjo.
Josiah: Hey Noah.
Noah: ‘Sup.
Josiah continues down the hallway until he reaches Brian’s office.
Josiah: First, I’m gonna visit mi amigo primero, Brian Jehosephat Joines! (Josiah enters Brian’s office.)
Brian: (Writing a card. Looks up and says…) Hey Josiah. How you livin’? Large?
Josiah: 24/7, 365!
Brian: (With a concerned face.) That seems a little extreme wouldn’t you say?
Josiah: Maybe… (Josiah stares into space. Snaps back into coherence.) I just came by to wish my pastors here at First Southern Baptist Church a Merry Christmas. So, Merry Christmas. (Says in booming Santa voice.)
Brian: Ah, Christmas. That time of year when we celebrate…
Josiah: The birth of Jesus Christ, the Lord and Savior of the entire world? The King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, the GREAT HEVEANLY FATHER!!! (Gets more and more excited.)
Brian: Actually, I was thinkin’ gift baskets.
Josiah: Gift baskets? I know what those two words mean apart, but what in Rudolph’s name do they mean when they’re all mushed together so? Gift? Baskets?
Brian: Well, my mentally deficient friend, let me tell you. Gift baskets are for those who are less fortunate and can’t afford gifts. (Pulls out a very sad picture of Dano with crutches and a paper boy hat.) This is Crippled Dano. He’s a little British urchin with a heart of gold, but no dinero in his pockets.
Josiah: Sounds unfortunate. But you know Brian, Christmas is all about Jesus. Christmas baskets are nice and all, unless they’re just filled with oranges, assorted nuts and pennies, but Jesus should be our primary focus. It is his B-Day after all.
Brian: Yeah…Jesus, birthday…Whatevs Josiah. I’ve got work to do on these baskets. (Josiah shakes his head and pulls out his phone.)
Josiah: Hey, it’s my cousin Enrique. He gets in all kinds of shenanigans. (Josiah begins to text.)
Brian: Hey, don’t be selfish! Put the phone in the basket!
Josiah: (Shocked) What?!?!
Brian: You heard me Senor Selfish! Like the bank robber told the teller, just throw it in the bag! (Brian takes his phone and Josiah walks away sullen.)
Brian: You know, it’s tough being the only one who’s not a selfish heathen pygmy. I bet this is just how Santa Claus feels sometimes…
Brian begins to sing “Even Santa Claus Gets the Blues,” by Marty Stuart. Noah comes in for the mandolin solo, but then backs out. After the song is over, Brian says to someone off screen…
Brian: Thanks Noah.
Noah: (Eating a banana.) No problem B.
Brian goes back to work, and there’s a knock on the door. Brian says…
Brain: COME IN!!!
Dano walks in with his Crippled Dano gear and says…
Dano: (Heavy British accent) Hello, Mr. Preacher fellow sir. I was just wonderin’ if my Christmas basket was complete. We British urchins sure get antsy.
Brian: It’ll be done soon Crippled Dano, just give me a few more days.
Dano: (First smiling, then smile drops. Loses accent and says in Clint Eastwood voice…) It better be… It better be.
Brian has a look of surprise and fear on his face. We go back to Dano and he is smiling again. Pan back to Brian, still with the fearful face.
We flash to Josiah in the hall. He says…
Josiah: Maybe my good chum John Phineas Strickland will revive my hope in the spirit of Christmas.
Josiah walks in to see John typing furiously on his computer. His eyes are large.
Josiah: (After a few moments.) Uh, hey John…
John: What, what… Who’s there! (Frantically looks about the room.) Oh Josiah, it’s just you…
Josiah: Uh, whatcha doin’ there homie homes?
John: I’m working on the Christmas Musical for this year. It’s causing me to experience a feeling of anxiety and tiredness, often caused by overworking, or stress. (The word “Stress” appears at the bottom of the screen as John spreads his hands.)
Josiah: How are you doin’ that?
John: (Confused.) Oh, was that, like, for real? I thought it was another hallucination brought on by my feelings of anxiety or tiredness, often caused by…
Josiah: You’ve had other hallucinations?
John: Oh yeah. Everyone I’ve seen all day has been wearing undersized Viking hats.
Josiah: (Very clearly wearing a Viking hat.) Cracker, you crazy. (Camera switches to John as Josiah asks…) Am I wearing one now?
John: (Rubs his eyes and says…) Nope…no…no…
Josiah: Well, I just wanted to wish my fave music minister a Merry Christmas.
John: (With disgust.) Christmas, blecch. I can’t wait till this stupid holiday is over.
Josiah: (Exaggerated shock.) Wha…Wha…WHATT?!?
John: It’s all about these plays and musicals. If I hear “Silent Night” one more time, I’m gonna lose it.
Josiah: One more time?
John: (Angry and a little crazy looking, gets up in Josiah’s face.) ONE…MORE…TIME. (John pants for several seconds.)
Josiah: Gee whiz, no one seems to know what Christmas is really all about… (Solemnly leaves.)
John: Nobody knows how tough this special is to put together. This time of year always makes me wish for the simple Christmases of my youth. When I used to be…cool. (Places sunglasses on his face then stands and puts on fedora. Snaps to the time of the music.)
John sings “Boogie Woogie Santa Claus” by Brian Setzer. Noah plays part of the horn solo. After he is done singing he plops down in his chair and looks offscreen and says…
John: Thanks N.
Noah: (Eating a pear) No problem J.
We flash to Josiah out in the hall again.
Josiah: I’m sure Travis Horatio Tyler will be able to get my sprits back up. He is the pastor! (Josiah enters enthusiastically.)
Travis is sitting at his desk playing with Asher whose car seat is on his desk. He says…
Travis: Josiah, what are you doin’ here?
Josiah: Well Travis, I came to wish you and Brian and John a Merry Christmas, but the other guys seem to have let other things get in the way of Jesus.
Travis: That’s pitiful, just pitiful. Jesus is the main point of Christmas. Not that there aren’t other points as well…
Josiah: (A little troubled.) Like what?
Travis: Like making this Christmas the best one ever for my little Asher. He’s gonna get all kinds of presents from Santa Claus and we’re gonna play and have fun all day long. It shall be epic.
Josiah: But, Trav, c’mon. Jesus is the one we’re really supposed to be focusing on.
Travis: Oh, c’mon Josiah. Ease up. I’m sure if I neglect to put up a nativity scene this year and don’t really witness to anyone and kinda forget about the real reason for the season, the Big Guy Upstairs will be cool with it. It’s gotta be special for the kid. (Camera pans to Asher.)
Josiah: No. It’s happening to you too!! You’re all tainted!!! Now you’re gonna sing!!!! (Josiah runs away crying.)
Travis: I wonder what’s eatin’ him. Probably fruitcake. That stuff sits in my small intestine like a bag of bricks with a cannonball at the bottom. Ah, Asher this is gonna be the best Christmas ever. Lets see, I told you about Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Frosty the Snowman, but there’s one story I haven’t told you yet…
Travis sings “Penguin, James, Penguin,” by Brad Paisley. Noah pops up and plays the guitar solo at the end. Travis says…
Travis: Thanks Noah. (Gives thumbs up.)
Noah: (As he’s eating an orange.) No problem Padre.
Next, we see Josiah running into the foyer where he sits underneath the Christmas tree and says…
Josiah: No one knows the true meaning of Christmas! They all just run around, talking about silly extraneous things and Jesus isn’t a part of any of it! (Josiah cries out loudly)
The next shot Travis, John and Brian all come out of their offices and Travis says…
Travis: What was that?
Brian: I think it’s Josiah. He sure sounds upset.
Travis: I bet he’s sad ‘cuz all he’s getting from Santa this year is coal, or even worse… Santa mucked out the reindeer stalls and put it in his stocking.
John: No, he’s probably angry about this Christmas special. He probably thinks it’s too contemporary, too many hymns, too loud, too soft!!!
Brian: I bet that he’s being convicted about his selfishness. (Yells) CHRISTMAS BASKETS!!!
Travis: Well come on my pastor pals, let’s see what eating Josiah Tiberius Watters! (They all walk into the foyer.)
John: Shhh, there he is!
We zoom in on Josiah with a Bible in his lap. He reads…
Josiah: Luke Chapter 2. “And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed. (And this taxing was first made when Quirinus was governor of Syria.) And all of them went to be taxed, every one into his own city. And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:) To be taxed with his espoused wife, being great with child. And so it was, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered. And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger, because there was no room for him at the inn.” Humph, no one cared about Jesus’ arrival back then, and it’s no different now.
The guys walk into the room and say…
Travis: I care!!!
Brian: I care!!!
John: I care!!!
Josiah: Where did you guys come from? Over there, five feet away where clearly I am blind to seeing? Did you hear everything I said from the Bible and stuff and stuff?
John: We sure did!!! (Very excited voice.)
The other guys all jump and tell him to calm down.
John: Sorry, I’m hopped up on coffee and Monster energy drink mixed together. I call it a Monstee.
The other guys just stare.
Brian: But anyway, Josiah, you’ve set all of us guys back on the right track. Christmas isn’t about gift baskets…
Travis: Or Santa Claus and reindeer droppings in stockings…
John: Or Monstees…
Josiah: It’s about celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ and his coming as Savior to save us all!
The guys huddle in and they sing “Hark the Herald Angels Sing.” Noah plays the acoustic in the background in the middle. At the conclusion of the song, Josiah says…
Josiah: Noah, why are you here, and why do you insist on instigating these musical numbers?
Noah: (Eating a sandwich.) Why, I’ve never really been here at all Josiah. (Backs away slowly.)
Noah leaves and Brian says…
Brian: That was sure weird. Maybe he was a Christmas apparition of the past, present and future or something.
John: Maybe he was an angel who finally got his wings.
Travis: Maybe we’ve all started having John’s Monstee induced hallucinations. (Should be wearing a Viking helmet.)
Josiah: I think he was just taking all the food out of the Christmas Gift Baskets Brian was making.
Brian: CURSES!!! Now I’ll have to start all over again. What am I gonna do…
Crippled Dano walks up and says…
Dano: Mr. Pastor fellow who promised me a Christmas basket, where is my basket?
Brian: Uh, sorry kid, but a mooch came in and took all the food.
Dano: (Drops the accent and talks in Clint Eastwood voice again.) You cheated me punk. I don’t like it when that happens. (Starts for Brian on the crutches.)
Noah: (Wearing a Viking hat and still eating a sandwich.) Look what’s that!
The guys all look under the tree and see a great Christmas basket, the perfect musical score for John’s musical and a big stocking for Travis. They run towards the tree excitedly.
John: It’s perfect! It has the perfect amount of hymns, contemporary songs, Soul and Honky music, all living together in harmony! Hooray!
Brian: (Hands Dano the basket.) Uh, here you go Crippled Dano. Please don’t break my kneecaps.
Dano: (Still in Clint Eastwood voice with scowl.) No promises.
Brian looks shocked and scared again and we pan back to Dano who’s smiling again.
Travis: (Looks into stocking.) Oh no…no…no.
John: (Looks in stocking.) I guess you were really bad.
Dano walks up and says…
Dano: God Bless Us, Everyone!!!
Brian is off to the side, still somewhat shaken.
Josiah: It’s a Christmas miracle!
Flash to Noah on the coach eating a sandwich and wearing a Viking helmet.
Noah: Yup.
THE END

It's a little long, but a lot awesome. Hopefully we'll be filming it soon. Peace and Goodwill towards men and all that stuff.

Sincerely

Noah