Noah's Blog

Christmas Time Is Here!

2009-12-10T13:44:00.000-08:00

I love the Christmas season. It is the most awesome time of the year. To celebrate, I've grown my beard out again throughout November and I have written the best Christmas special ever! Here it is folks. Prepare your minds to be blown:

First Southern Christmas Special
By Noah and Dano Vance
Josiah walks into the church and straightens his scarf as the song “Linus and Lucy” by Bela Fleck plays. The title “First Southern Christmas Special” comes up on screen. As Josiah walks, opening credits begin showing up on the bottom of the screen. Josiah walks through the new building and comes out near the fellowship hall where Noah is playing the banjo.
Josiah: Hey Noah.
Noah: ‘Sup.
Josiah continues down the hallway until he reaches Brian’s office.
Josiah: First, I’m gonna visit mi amigo primero, Brian Jehosephat Joines! (Josiah enters Brian’s office.)
Brian: (Writing a card. Looks up and says…) Hey Josiah. How you livin’? Large?
Josiah: 24/7, 365!
Brian: (With a concerned face.) That seems a little extreme wouldn’t you say?
Josiah: Maybe… (Josiah stares into space. Snaps back into coherence.) I just came by to wish my pastors here at First Southern Baptist Church a Merry Christmas. So, Merry Christmas. (Says in booming Santa voice.)
Brian: Ah, Christmas. That time of year when we celebrate…
Josiah: The birth of Jesus Christ, the Lord and Savior of the entire world? The King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, the GREAT HEVEANLY FATHER!!! (Gets more and more excited.)
Brian: Actually, I was thinkin’ gift baskets.
Josiah: Gift baskets? I know what those two words mean apart, but what in Rudolph’s name do they mean when they’re all mushed together so? Gift? Baskets?
Brian: Well, my mentally deficient friend, let me tell you. Gift baskets are for those who are less fortunate and can’t afford gifts. (Pulls out a very sad picture of Dano with crutches and a paper boy hat.) This is Crippled Dano. He’s a little British urchin with a heart of gold, but no dinero in his pockets.
Josiah: Sounds unfortunate. But you know Brian, Christmas is all about Jesus. Christmas baskets are nice and all, unless they’re just filled with oranges, assorted nuts and pennies, but Jesus should be our primary focus. It is his B-Day after all.
Brian: Yeah…Jesus, birthday…Whatevs Josiah. I’ve got work to do on these baskets. (Josiah shakes his head and pulls out his phone.)
Josiah: Hey, it’s my cousin Enrique. He gets in all kinds of shenanigans. (Josiah begins to text.)
Brian: Hey, don’t be selfish! Put the phone in the basket!
Josiah: (Shocked) What?!?!
Brian: You heard me Senor Selfish! Like the bank robber told the teller, just throw it in the bag! (Brian takes his phone and Josiah walks away sullen.)
Brian: You know, it’s tough being the only one who’s not a selfish heathen pygmy. I bet this is just how Santa Claus feels sometimes…
Brian begins to sing “Even Santa Claus Gets the Blues,” by Marty Stuart. Noah comes in for the mandolin solo, but then backs out. After the song is over, Brian says to someone off screen…
Brian: Thanks Noah.
Noah: (Eating a banana.) No problem B.
Brian goes back to work, and there’s a knock on the door. Brian says…
Brain: COME IN!!!
Dano walks in with his Crippled Dano gear and says…
Dano: (Heavy British accent) Hello, Mr. Preacher fellow sir. I was just wonderin’ if my Christmas basket was complete. We British urchins sure get antsy.
Brian: It’ll be done soon Crippled Dano, just give me a few more days.
Dano: (First smiling, then smile drops. Loses accent and says in Clint Eastwood voice…) It better be… It better be.
Brian has a look of surprise and fear on his face. We go back to Dano and he is smiling again. Pan back to Brian, still with the fearful face.
We flash to Josiah in the hall. He says…
Josiah: Maybe my good chum John Phineas Strickland will revive my hope in the spirit of Christmas.
Josiah walks in to see John typing furiously on his computer. His eyes are large.
Josiah: (After a few moments.) Uh, hey John…
John: What, what… Who’s there! (Frantically looks about the room.) Oh Josiah, it’s just you…
Josiah: Uh, whatcha doin’ there homie homes?
John: I’m working on the Christmas Musical for this year. It’s causing me to experience a feeling of anxiety and tiredness, often caused by overworking, or stress. (The word “Stress” appears at the bottom of the screen as John spreads his hands.)
Josiah: How are you doin’ that?
John: (Confused.) Oh, was that, like, for real? I thought it was another hallucination brought on by my feelings of anxiety or tiredness, often caused by…
Josiah: You’ve had other hallucinations?
John: Oh yeah. Everyone I’ve seen all day has been wearing undersized Viking hats.
Josiah: (Very clearly wearing a Viking hat.) Cracker, you crazy. (Camera switches to John as Josiah asks…) Am I wearing one now?
John: (Rubs his eyes and says…) Nope…no…no…
Josiah: Well, I just wanted to wish my fave music minister a Merry Christmas.
John: (With disgust.) Christmas, blecch. I can’t wait till this stupid holiday is over.
Josiah: (Exaggerated shock.) Wha…Wha…WHATT?!?
John: It’s all about these plays and musicals. If I hear “Silent Night” one more time, I’m gonna lose it.
Josiah: One more time?
John: (Angry and a little crazy looking, gets up in Josiah’s face.) ONE…MORE…TIME. (John pants for several seconds.)
Josiah: Gee whiz, no one seems to know what Christmas is really all about… (Solemnly leaves.)
John: Nobody knows how tough this special is to put together. This time of year always makes me wish for the simple Christmases of my youth. When I used to be…cool. (Places sunglasses on his face then stands and puts on fedora. Snaps to the time of the music.)
John sings “Boogie Woogie Santa Claus” by Brian Setzer. Noah plays part of the horn solo. After he is done singing he plops down in his chair and looks offscreen and says…
John: Thanks N.
Noah: (Eating a pear) No problem J.
We flash to Josiah out in the hall again.
Josiah: I’m sure Travis Horatio Tyler will be able to get my sprits back up. He is the pastor! (Josiah enters enthusiastically.)
Travis is sitting at his desk playing with Asher whose car seat is on his desk. He says…
Travis: Josiah, what are you doin’ here?
Josiah: Well Travis, I came to wish you and Brian and John a Merry Christmas, but the other guys seem to have let other things get in the way of Jesus.
Travis: That’s pitiful, just pitiful. Jesus is the main point of Christmas. Not that there aren’t other points as well…
Josiah: (A little troubled.) Like what?
Travis: Like making this Christmas the best one ever for my little Asher. He’s gonna get all kinds of presents from Santa Claus and we’re gonna play and have fun all day long. It shall be epic.
Josiah: But, Trav, c’mon. Jesus is the one we’re really supposed to be focusing on.
Travis: Oh, c’mon Josiah. Ease up. I’m sure if I neglect to put up a nativity scene this year and don’t really witness to anyone and kinda forget about the real reason for the season, the Big Guy Upstairs will be cool with it. It’s gotta be special for the kid. (Camera pans to Asher.)
Josiah: No. It’s happening to you too!! You’re all tainted!!! Now you’re gonna sing!!!! (Josiah runs away crying.)
Travis: I wonder what’s eatin’ him. Probably fruitcake. That stuff sits in my small intestine like a bag of bricks with a cannonball at the bottom. Ah, Asher this is gonna be the best Christmas ever. Lets see, I told you about Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Frosty the Snowman, but there’s one story I haven’t told you yet…
Travis sings “Penguin, James, Penguin,” by Brad Paisley. Noah pops up and plays the guitar solo at the end. Travis says…
Travis: Thanks Noah. (Gives thumbs up.)
Noah: (As he’s eating an orange.) No problem Padre.
Next, we see Josiah running into the foyer where he sits underneath the Christmas tree and says…
Josiah: No one knows the true meaning of Christmas! They all just run around, talking about silly extraneous things and Jesus isn’t a part of any of it! (Josiah cries out loudly)
The next shot Travis, John and Brian all come out of their offices and Travis says…
Travis: What was that?
Brian: I think it’s Josiah. He sure sounds upset.
Travis: I bet he’s sad ‘cuz all he’s getting from Santa this year is coal, or even worse… Santa mucked out the reindeer stalls and put it in his stocking.
John: No, he’s probably angry about this Christmas special. He probably thinks it’s too contemporary, too many hymns, too loud, too soft!!!
Brian: I bet that he’s being convicted about his selfishness. (Yells) CHRISTMAS BASKETS!!!
Travis: Well come on my pastor pals, let’s see what eating Josiah Tiberius Watters! (They all walk into the foyer.)
John: Shhh, there he is!
We zoom in on Josiah with a Bible in his lap. He reads…
Josiah: Luke Chapter 2. “And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed. (And this taxing was first made when Quirinus was governor of Syria.) And all of them went to be taxed, every one into his own city. And Joseph also went up from Galilee, out of the city of Nazareth, into Judea, unto the city of David, which is called Bethlehem; (because he was of the house and lineage of David:) To be taxed with his espoused wife, being great with child. And so it was, while they were there, the days were accomplished that she should be delivered. And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes, and laid him in a manger, because there was no room for him at the inn.” Humph, no one cared about Jesus’ arrival back then, and it’s no different now.
The guys walk into the room and say…
Travis: I care!!!
Brian: I care!!!
John: I care!!!
Josiah: Where did you guys come from? Over there, five feet away where clearly I am blind to seeing? Did you hear everything I said from the Bible and stuff and stuff?
John: We sure did!!! (Very excited voice.)
The other guys all jump and tell him to calm down.
John: Sorry, I’m hopped up on coffee and Monster energy drink mixed together. I call it a Monstee.
The other guys just stare.
Brian: But anyway, Josiah, you’ve set all of us guys back on the right track. Christmas isn’t about gift baskets…
Travis: Or Santa Claus and reindeer droppings in stockings…
John: Or Monstees…
Josiah: It’s about celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ and his coming as Savior to save us all!
The guys huddle in and they sing “Hark the Herald Angels Sing.” Noah plays the acoustic in the background in the middle. At the conclusion of the song, Josiah says…
Josiah: Noah, why are you here, and why do you insist on instigating these musical numbers?
Noah: (Eating a sandwich.) Why, I’ve never really been here at all Josiah. (Backs away slowly.)
Noah leaves and Brian says…
Brian: That was sure weird. Maybe he was a Christmas apparition of the past, present and future or something.
John: Maybe he was an angel who finally got his wings.
Travis: Maybe we’ve all started having John’s Monstee induced hallucinations. (Should be wearing a Viking helmet.)
Josiah: I think he was just taking all the food out of the Christmas Gift Baskets Brian was making.
Brian: CURSES!!! Now I’ll have to start all over again. What am I gonna do…
Crippled Dano walks up and says…
Dano: Mr. Pastor fellow who promised me a Christmas basket, where is my basket?
Brian: Uh, sorry kid, but a mooch came in and took all the food.
Dano: (Drops the accent and talks in Clint Eastwood voice again.) You cheated me punk. I don’t like it when that happens. (Starts for Brian on the crutches.)
Noah: (Wearing a Viking hat and still eating a sandwich.) Look what’s that!
The guys all look under the tree and see a great Christmas basket, the perfect musical score for John’s musical and a big stocking for Travis. They run towards the tree excitedly.
John: It’s perfect! It has the perfect amount of hymns, contemporary songs, Soul and Honky music, all living together in harmony! Hooray!
Brian: (Hands Dano the basket.) Uh, here you go Crippled Dano. Please don’t break my kneecaps.
Dano: (Still in Clint Eastwood voice with scowl.) No promises.
Brian looks shocked and scared again and we pan back to Dano who’s smiling again.
Travis: (Looks into stocking.) Oh no…no…no.
John: (Looks in stocking.) I guess you were really bad.
Dano walks up and says…
Dano: God Bless Us, Everyone!!!
Brian is off to the side, still somewhat shaken.
Josiah: It’s a Christmas miracle!
Flash to Noah on the coach eating a sandwich and wearing a Viking helmet.
Noah: Yup.
THE END

It's a little long, but a lot awesome. Hopefully we'll be filming it soon. Peace and Goodwill towards men and all that stuff.

Sincerely

Noah

Back To School/ No Mo' Beard/ Other Stuff

2009-09-08T12:40:00.000-07:00

Ahhh, yes, to be back at my keyboard is grand. I totally didn't write one post the entire month of August. I would like to say it's because the comic book post was so freakin' awesome that it was hard to top it, but it wasn't really. The reason I haven't posted in so long is because of school. It seems like every time I turn around, I have some assignment coming my way. Not that now is any exception mind you (I have to do English, which entails reading the novel Moby Dick and writing three essays about it, I have to write a personality profile for Journalism and participate in a photojournalism project for Journalism also. This is all due within the next week's time.).
Speaking of Journalism, my blog will soon be a part of my Journalism class, which will include it being viewed by my teacher and critiqued on rare occasions. This is somewhat exciting because I truthfully believe only about seven people out there actually read my blog, so one more person is a definite ego boost for me.
Also, since I last wrote I have shaved my amazing, woolly, and generally awesome beard. I know, I know, settle down, it's gonna be OK. It will return again just in time for 'No Shave November' in a few months. My beard is basically just like Frosty the Snowman, except it comes back a month earlier than he does, and it will never have a cartoon show dedicated to it's greatness... or will it? It's times like these I wish I still had my beard to stroke when thinking ominous thoughts like the one you just read. It apparently made me look like Johnny Depp, or at least a friend and this creepy chick in my English class said it did. I didn't see it really. If I seriously looked like Johnny Depp, my social calendar would be much more exciting than it is right now. I'm looking at it right now and all it says is "Blog and eat chips". Lame.
Now for something completely different: This Halloween I'm going to be Jim Halpert from my favorite TV show 'The Office'. My friend Josiah will be Dwight Schrute, Matt Sartin shall be Andy Bernard, Travis Tyler will be Kevin Mallone and John P. Strickland will be Michael Scott. It shall be awesome. I was actually contemplating going to a concert on Halloween, but I decided against it. Downtown Louisville on Halloween or go to a church function and dress up as 'Office' characters? Hmmm... Tough call.
Again, something completely different: I had to watch Barack Obama's speech today to the Students of the U.S.A., and I was extremely confused. I thought this guy was gonna pull out some googly hypnotizing glasses that made me want to embrace communism and stop eating chips in favor of fiber injected yogurt, but all he did was tell me to do well in school. He sounded like an elementary school principal. He even reminded every student in America to wash their hands. I felt like I should be taking a nap after the video and then practicing my letters and getting a snack.
Well, sorry for all that randomness oh faithfull seven readers, but I feel like I've been mentally constipated all month and it's finally getting loose. I apologize again, for that mental picture you're getting right now.

Live long and prosper,

Noah

P.S. The swine flu is just the flu. Any difference between the two is caused by slight mutations of the flu in general. The only people who die have compromised immune systems such as the elderly, pregnant women and children, and those who have HIV or AIDS. The "Swine Flu" or "H1N1 Virus" is merely a scary name to keep us in the public from looking too closely at the economy and what exactly Barack Obama is doing in that there house on the hill. Don't believe the hype, but please continue washing your hands and sneeze into your sleeves. No one likes to shake hands and find a booger.

P.P.S. Check out the Ryan Adams clips on the bottom of the page. Ryan Adams is awesome and they are also awesome/hilarious.

Comic Books and the Christian Parent

2009-07-27T16:15:00.000-07:00

That's right. You read the title correctly. I don't buy or read them anymore, that would be a little weird, but this summer I flipped through a few of my comics from my comic book collection I started way back in the 4th Grade. I know what you're thinking. Well, Reader, I don't care what you think of me. Comic books were a big part of my youth and I'm not gonna apologize for 'em. I also think it's sad that so many Christian parents don't particularly endorse the idea of their child reading a comic book. If they have an interest in reading a comic book at all, they are not necessarily evil. It's just another form of fun make-believe, if you pick the books right. Admittedly, some comics are racy and are for only the freak adults who hang around the few dilapidated comic book stores in the U.S., but many of them are still good enough for anyone to read, from little kids, to nostalgic octogenarians. For any cautious parents who actually read my blog, here are a few tips I learned when I was into super heroes for how to protect your child from being warped for life by a comic book;

1. Stay away from not so well known brands.

In the comic world, there are two main brands; Marvel, which features Spider-Man, the X-Men and Captain America, and DC, which is where Superman, Batman and the Green Lantern reside. Any other brands might run titles that you may not find appropriate for your child to read, and frankly, in my opinion, Marvel has gone down hill as well. Since the eighties, comic books have become much more dark and adult-oriented, which is strange because comic books are generally acknowledged to be a children's art form. This was true back in the 1950s and 60s, but since the seventies brought anti-heroes and gun toting vigilantes into the limelight, many forms of media became tainted. Right now this trend seems to be in full swing with titles that often endorse graphic violence. Anime is also a no-no. Not only does it ensure your child will be beat up at school and doom them to a life of black clothes, eye liner and girl pants (for guys and girls), but anime comics often feature graphic sexual content and language. Also, if your child likes some of the Christian comics, good for you, but I always thought that they were lame. They weren't drawn or written as well as the secular ones were. I would say that the one company that's pretty safe for everybody is DC. Superman still adheres to his rule about never killing, and Batman still won't use a gun. Most of the heroes of the DC universe use brains more often than brawn and promote justice. Also, although the stories have in some ways become more mature, they have not grown unfit for children. Stay with titles such as Superman, JLA, and Green Lantern.

2. Choose carefully when buying "Graphic Novels".

Graphic novels are large-format comic books that can be divided into two main categories; Collections, which contain formerly published titles that are bound together because they tie into one major story arc or theme, and the independent stories, which are complete novels that are begun and concluded in one novel. These are normally very well drawn and feature big time comic book writing talent. These can sometimes be dangerous for young children to get a hold of. Take Watchmen for an example.
Watchmen was a graphic novel published in the 1980s and was written by Alan Moore. This book is about a cadre of super heroes known as the Watchmen that have been active in one form or another since the 1950s. It is set in an alternate history where President Nixon was not impeached and the Vietnam War continued long after it did in reality. Super heroes are forced to not use their powers and the only sanctioned one is Dr. Manhattan, a glowing blue being who possesses god-like super powers and walks around totally naked for 90% of the novel. I haven't read it or seen the movie, but it was hard to get away from it all during the total dorkfest that took place prior to it's release. This title features graphic violence and sexual content that is unfit for most young adults to see, much less small children. It was released independently and looked much like a large comic book. Stay away from these kinds of books that you don't recognize. Stay with the collections of titles you already know are safe to read. Again, Superman, JLA, Green Lantern and most early (i.e. 1960s) Marvel collections, such as the Avengers or Spider-Man are always good. Stay away from Batman graphic novels. These can often be much darker than the monthly comic book.

3. Stay away from comic book stores.

This one is brief. Weird old men hang around comic book stores. They are normally fat, balding and like Wonder Woman far too much. These are the kinds of nerds that you don't want your children hanging around with for a plethora of reasons. These places are not safe. Don't drop your kid off at a comic book store thinking that they will be OK. You can find comic books at all large book store chains. Plus, the book stores are more likely to not carry some of the weirder titles, but you should still be careful.

In the end, all this is just another defense of fun that I am trying to take a stand for. Some Christian parents are often so concerned with their child's spiritual well-being, make believe and fun are totally taken out of the equation. Don't become another one of these parents.

In conclusion, I heavily endorsed DC comics in this post because I believe it to be the most child accessible of all the comic book companies. The DC universe is also very convoluted though. According to my research, Superman is raising an adopted child with wife, Lois Lane, who is actually the son of the Superman villain General Zod, Batman is believed to be dead but is actually in the prehistoric past while Robin, Nightwing and Batgirl (Three of Batman's sidekicks) fight over who will take up the Batman mantle, and the Green Lantern is preparing for a war of light in which the Green Lantern Corps, the Sinestro Corps, the Red Lantern Corps, Agent Orange, the Blue Lantern Corps, the Indigo Tribe and Star Sapphire will go up against the Black Lantern Corps, which is the villain Black Hand and a cadre of dead super heroes such as Aquaman and the Martian Manhunter who have been revived and made evil. If you think this is too much for a child to keep up with, get them to read older comics or buy them a magic kit or something. They won't be nearly as cool, but I've heard from a credible source that chicks dig magic. Those dudes on TV always have those assistants...

Cool Beans,

Noah

The Southern Baptist Convention

2009-06-27T12:46:00.000-07:00

This past Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I was fortunate enough to be able to attend the Southern Baptist Convention near my hometown. To be perfectly frank, the first night was a total bore, and I was more than a little distressed to find that I had been signed up for each day, every shift (I wound up skippin' some). Monday however was very interesting.
At these kinds of events there are always two kinds of pastors. One I call the "punk rock" pastors. I call them this because of their total abandonment of traditions held by the church and put their faith totally in the Bible. This all sounds great, but they are also extremely zealotous and they often wonder why many of us listening are not quite as willing to give away all our possessions, live in a commune of sorts and give all our money away to people in Saudi Arabia. The pastors there who represented the "punk rock" pastor group were Francis Chan, Alvin Reid and the spectacular Davis Platt. The second type of pastor there was "the old guard" members. These guys see the merit in some of those traditions, but they also see the merit in the newbies passion for their work. They strike a balance and often appreciate the insights of the "punk rock" pastors, even though they often rebel and chastise the Old Guard for becoming complacent. Members of the Old Guard include Tom Elliff, Michael Catt and Johnny Hunt (one of my favorites).
In this specific situation, I tended to agree more with the Old Guard. These guys seem not so confrontational, they seem to take stock of every fact and figure and then make a decision. The punk dudes however seem to base some of their conclusions on emotionalism and sensationalism. They also can sway others to their point of view based entirely on a strictly surface level basis. I must say that David Platt is an amazing orator, but I disagreed withy him on many points. Many others at the convention however really became fired up during his sermon concerning missions. Missions are indeed important, but money is also spent in other ways that further the kingdom. Just because people can't get the money to go to a foreign country doesn't mean that the money is being spent on something evil. Discipleship, mentorship and general aid are also very important parts of the great commission, not just missions.
The rest of the week was spent swagging (stuff we all get; swag!!!) and generally shirking my duties with my friends Josiah, Wayne, Matt, Nathan and our ministerial staff, minus Travis, our
pastor. One of the funnest things to do at the convention was a computer quiz which quizzed you on your knowledge of the Ethics & Religion Liberty Commission. I know, it's sounds like a snore, but if you took it at just the right time, you won a Lifeway gift card, which also sounds boring, but they happened to have some cheap-o CD's there at the Lifeway in the expo center.
So overall, I had a blast and learned a lot about how our convention works.

Cool Beans,

Noah

The Fate of Jon and Kate

2009-06-02T17:22:00.000-07:00

Several months ago, while recuperating from getting all my wisdom teeth removed, I became interested in a fairly popular television show called Jon & Kate Plus 8. Maybe you've heard of it. It features Jon and Kate Gosselin, the parents, Cara and Mady, the older twins, and their six brothers and sisters, Collin, Aaden, Joel, Alexis, Hannah and Leah. Why I became interested and later emotionally involved with this show was beyond me. Why would a seventeen year old male want to watch this show? I now think it was because of the love that this family shared with one another and the parents' commitment to their family, even though their situation was anything but normal.
Also, Jon and Kate were Christians and often spoke to churches and were interviewed in Christian magazines.They also went to church and took their eight children to local Vacation Bible School. I thought, "What a together family. What nice people." I don't believe I was technically a fan, but rather an intrigued observer. They seemed to me like people I could have for neighbors, and whenever I would tune into the show, it was like I was invited into their home and I would sit and watch the goings on in their home for thirty minutes and then go on my way.
Recently, both Jon and Kate have been the targets of paparazzi attention and have been the subjects of slanderous articles in everything from supermarket tabloids to widely published magazines like Us and People. Jon was accused of cheating on his wife with third grade teacher Deanna Hummel and Kate was accused of cheating on Jon with her bodyguard and has also been accused of changing from a devoted and loving mother of eight into an attention craving monster only concerned with money and celebrity status. I happen to believe that neither one of them actually cheated on their spouses, but the damage, it seems, has already been done. On the recent season premiere, Jon and Kate were interviewed separately about how their marriage is doing. They both seemed fairly upset about the state of affairs their marriage is currently in. They seemed to still be married and living in the same home but perhaps separated, as Jon stays home with the kids while Kate is away doing interviews and book signings, and when she comes home, he goes elsewhere.
During this whole debacle, I became very disillusioned and somewhat sad. I wasn't walking around moping every day, (That would be a little fanatic) but if I saw a negative magazine cover or heard a news story about it, I would become a little more down than I was before. The cause of my sadness came from the fact that these people (at least not initially) weren't a product to be marketed, they were a family, and that they had been turned into something that is not at all pleasant to watch. It was initially just a show, almost a documentary, about a real life family with real life troubles and problems, but they got through it all because of their belief in God and their commitment to their family as a whole. It saddens me that they may have let their lives become their careers.
Recently, Kate's brother Kevin and his wife Jodi appeared on a morning news show talking about Jon and Kate and their children. They believe that it's time for the cameras to go off and for the couple to seek marriage counselling. This unfortunately is not what the couple has decided to do. Kate is still pursuing her recent status as a writer while travelling around the country, while Jon often stays home with the kids and occasionally does charity work. Despite the fact that they are trying to seem normal through this, the American viewing audience can tell that something is off. This isn't the same warm, inviting family that once appeared on our television screens, and I am not calling for Jon and Kate to work things out for our sake, that is, those who watch the show, but they need to work things out for themselves, for their family and for the glory of the kingdom of God.
In the season premiere that came out about a week ago Jon stated that even if he and Kate separate, he still believes that their children will be fine as long as he and Kate remain friends and show the kids that the relationship they had was important. He and Kate also stated that the children were the most important thing to them. Unfortunately Mr. and Mrs. Gosselin, this is not the case. Maybe this is harsh, but what those children really need is for their mother and father to stay together and to work things out. That is how you will truly show them you love them.
Mr. and Mrs. Gosselin, although you will probably never read this blog by a non-famous midwestern teenager, I want to say that I am praying for you and your family. I am not merely praying for what I think is best for your family, I am praying for what God thinks is best for your family. You have people out here rooting for you, not just putting you down. God bless you and your family.

Noah

P.S. For anyone out there who doesn't already know, the Gosselins divorced last week. Please pray for this family in these troubling times. The P.S. was added on June 29.

Christianity and the GOP

2009-04-25T10:40:00.000-07:00

In today's political climate, conservatives have gone out in favor of liberals. I have been very vocal in my... dislike for our newest president, Barack Hussein Obama, and I am often accused of looking at his presidency through biased eyes, but I assure you, O loyal reader, that I do not pledge my allegiance solely to the Grand Old Party.
During President Bush's terms in office, the term "evangelical Christian" began to get thrown around a lot. Liberals spoke it as though it were a curse-word and the conservatives used it as a rallying cry. Most of us so called evangelical Christians would count ourselves Republicans with a conservative attitude on government, but there is something we all must ask ourselves; Can we trust the Republican Party? This may sound harsh, maybe even crazy to some of you out there, but should our allegiance really be to any political party? Can we trust any of them to do what is truly right?
What I'm basically trying to get across is that as Christians, we shouldn't blindly put our faith in the Republican Party without looking at candidates positions on key issues. Truthfully, I do believe that the trust Christians have in the Republican Party is justified... right now anyway. What worries me is this trust growing to such unreasonable proportions that it is no longer based in logic.
My great-grandmother, Charity Vance, Mom Vance to her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren, was a devoted Christian mother of three who tried to raise her children by the word of God. She also voted Democrat her entire life. She was a wonderful woman with a good heart, but she voted Democrat because of political stances held by Republicans and Democrats that haven't been accurate since the early 1900's. Democrats helped the farmers and the little man; this is what she thought about the Democrats. The Republicans want to take away all my social security; this is how she viewed the Republicans. Unfortunately, the Democrats willingness to help the little man eventually turned into the acceptance of homosexual marriage as right and normal, and established that abortion should be legal. Had Mom Vance known what these men she was voting for were actually doing, she would probably never have voted for them. She wasn't basing her decisions on quantitative and qualitative fact, but on a trust that wasn't deserved anymore.
This is why we as Christians should never take Republican politicians at pure face value. We should try to find out what they stand for. What if the dynamic totally flipped? What if a Democratic presidential candidate supported human life by wanting to outlaw abortion and a Republican candidate had no qualms about the issue? Would you look into the situation closely to see which candidate accurately represents you and what your beliefs are, or would you trust that the Republican candidate because Republicans have always stood for the Christians, even though this candidate doesn't deserve that trust?
Taking all this into account, we must also be open to some compromise when it comes to politics. During the presidential campaign last year, many so called evangelical Christians jumped on the Barack Obama bandwagon. On the surface, this looks like exactly what I've been talking about; breaking down political borders and supporting the candidate who you think will best represent you and your beliefs, but in reality, one of the reasons some evangelicals supported Mr. Obama was that he claimed to be a Christian. Take special attention to the word claimed. I know that we as Christians should not judge someone else's faith, but we are also to look for actions that expose underlying faith, fruits of the tree, as it were. Barack Obama supports homosexual marriage and abortion! Do those seem like good fruits to you? Yet many Christians helped elect him into office.
While these Christians were becoming infatuated with the Obamas, as much of the American media already had, these same people dogged John McCain for not having a real relationship with God. Excuse me? I know the man goes to church, but I can't judge his relationship with God. As I said before, all I have to go on is the man's actions, and his actions seem pretty darn good to me. At least he supports the same issues that many Christians do. At least he supported a model of government that would allow Christians to worship freely. At least he defended his country against all odds. Can we say any of that about Mr. Obama?
Before I begin rambling or offensive (at least any more than usual), I probably need to wrap this up. In the end, which is more important? A political party, or the values on which those parties are based?

Cool Beans,

Noah

Make-Believe Vs. Un-Fun Rigid Dogma

2009-04-12T13:19:00.000-07:00

WARNING: This post contains some information concerning the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and other holiday charcters that may shock some children. Parents, it might be in your best interest to keep the kiddos who can read away from the screen.

Today is Easter Day, the day that Jesus rose from his grave, but this day also carries conotations that make some Christian parents grimace. Easter eggs, chocolates and all kinds of other goodies brought by a big bunny and placed in Easter baskets. Though most folks don't find this threatening, some think that raising a child to believe in these things is detrimental to both their spiritual and mental health. I for one find this confusing, but to some it makes perfect sense.
I would like to say that parents who decide to not let their children believe in the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and other characters like the Tooth Fairy are fully within their rights to believe this way. It is entirely the right of the parent to decide these kinds of things. The thing I have a problem with is the eagerness that some (though not all) of these well-meaning Christian parents seem to have about finding something wrong and dark in something so seemingly harmless as a rabbit delivering eggs or a fat old man delivering toys to good children. These kind of people are the same ones who count curse words in classic novels and claim fellow Christians will not go to heaven if they do not believe the same as they do on a miniscule issue. Madeleine L'Engle states that these people are "of a minority, small, but growing, of people who seemed to think they were called to discover the devil in other people." As Christians, we should bring light to the world, not look for more darkness. The world is bad enough as it is, so why try to find something so bad in innocent children's characters? What's the harm in letting a child believe?
One main problem some parents have with these holiday characters such as the Easter Bunny is that they believe that they somehow take away the main focus of the holiday, such as Christ's birth on Christmas, and his Resurrection on Easter Sunday. It is true that some children may find the presents to be the largest part of a holiday, but this often happens only because the gifts and traditions have not been placed in the proper context by a parental figure. When I was a young child, I recieved presents from Santa Claus and I got Easter baskets full of candy and toys from the Easter Bunny, but I also knew the true purpose of the holidays because the extraneous traditions were put in their proper place.
The proper place for thses things is in a part of the brain labelled "Strictly for Make-Believe". When I was was younger, I did believe in the Easter Bunny, but it was the kind of belief that I also had when I played at being a cowboy or an astronaut. Somewhere in my brain, I knew the logistics of a large, sentient rabbit delivering baskets of candy and eggs to children across continents weren't very convincing, but it was fun to believe it for a little while. The funnest part about make believe is truly believing it. You can't go about it half way. My parents never had to have a sit down conversation with me or my brother concerning the reality of these charcters because we mostly knew it was all make-believe. I am of the persuasion that most children believe the same way as I did and that children aren't so dumb as to place certain things over the realities behind their make-believe. For example, I knew I was an astronaut piloting some kind of strange vessel constructed of corrugated cardboard to distant galaxies, but I also knew that mom was making my lunch right in the next room. I understood the difference between reality and pretend, and it's all because I had the right context.
So, in the end, we should rejoice for the Lord has risen on this day and we should try to see the good instead of the negative because he has made a way for us all through through his death on the cross and his resurrection on the third day.

Cool Beans,

Noah

Greatness Trumpeted From the Heavens

2009-03-25T15:33:00.000-07:00

Last Friday evening, my brother and I made an outing to our local Target so I could purchase some new CD's (I don't like downloading; it destroys the work and the effect of the album. That's right; album, not a collected group of singles to be bought on a whim because you heard the song in the new Gossip Girl episode.). The ones I wound up purchasing were Neko Case's Middle Cyclone and M. Ward's Hold Time. I am going to review them in the space below and it will be my first crack in reviewing things. In the future expect music, movie and book reviews. The "stars" that most reviewers use are replaced by asterisks. *****= Awesome; ****= Great; ***= Pretty good, I guess...; **= Not so great; *= Don't bother picking it up

Neko Case Middle Cyclone-****1/2

Case's last album Fox Confessor Brings the Flood was one of the strangest albums I had ever heard when I bought it last year on a bit of a whim. It was a departure from previous albums, abandoning all semblance of "pop" song structure in favor of a freewheeling Americana patchwork that resembled nothing in it's structure and flow. She still retains some of that here on Middle Cyclone, her latest release on ANTI- Records, but the summery pop seems to be coming back into play, a little at a time. Case seems to be treating the "pop" song much like a person whose pet runs away and comes back months later; of course she's happy to see the scruffy thing, but she's somewhat wary as it could flip out and bite back at any sudden move to welcome it home. You can see it especially in "This Tornado Loves You", "People Got A Lot of Nerve", "Red Tide" and the two covers represented here, "Never turn Your Back On Mother Earth" and Harry Nilsson's haunting "Don't Forget Me". All the catchiness and hooks are there, but something's still a little off. Not that that's a bad thing. It's the idiosyncrasies of this album that keeps me glued to my stereo.
As usual, the instrumentation on all of Case's albums are incredible, but this one especially so. Some familiar players fill the ranks, such as past collaborator Paul Rigby, singer Kelly Hogan and ex-the Band member Garth Hudson on the keys, but some new surprises are in store, such as guest appearances from M. Ward on guitar, Steve Berlin of Los Lobos on the saxophone and Lucy Wainwright Roche who helps sing back up and also helps create such beautiful harmonies that would make the likes of Brian Wilson blush.
All in all, this album is one of the best I've heard in a while, but it does lack some of the immediacy and epic-ness of Fox Confessor Brings the Flood. Some of this feels a little like reheated B-sides from that album, although, I'll take Neko's leftovers over some people's new material any day.

M. Ward Hold Time- *****

I can sum up M. Ward's new album in one word; astonishing. It's like while producing and quietly collaborating with Zooey Deschanel on their equally astonishing album last year, he was secretly bottling up his best stuff to serve at a later date. One over-used bit of praise bestowed upon Ward is the adjective "timeless". True, some of Ward's songs could have been sung by the likes of Leadbelly or Hank Williams, and, equally true, his voice sounds like the ghost of a long-lost dust bowl era crooner, but Ward is a modern singer living in a modern world and is perfectly capable of adapting and expanding (Are those keyboards I hear on "To Save Me" and "Stars of Leo"?).
As every song on this CD is awesome, as all songs on albums should be, let's take a short peek at all of them.

For Beginners- A nice, laid-back way to start an album. This song doesn't explode out of the speakers, but that's only because it's setting you up for later. Let Ward's Beatles-esque rhythm guitar line take you away, while he seamlessly delivers knockout lyrics about the original sinners and how we all seem so innocent when we first start off in life.
Never Had Nobody Like You- A barn-burning collaboration with Zooey Deschanel, the raven haired beauty seen in film's like Elf and The Happening, who turned to Ward last year for help on releasing songs that she had written herself and eventually germinated into the She & Him project Volume 1, which received many accolades from indie press. This song is about a love gone right and sounds like a summer pop song out of the mid-60's. Hats off to Zooey for the totally groovy backup vocals. "Yeah, Yeah" indeed.
Jailbird- Another laid back ditty about a jailbird, i.e. some guy who got locked up and who regrets the decisions made in his life.
Hold Time- The emotional centerpiece of the album, including gorgeous strings, arranged by Ward himself. The vocals are somewhat meandering, but the sadness behind his words comes through just fine.
Rave On- An amazing cover of the Buddy Holly tune, again including Zooey Deschanel on backup vocals. Ward claims he tried to envision this song if British folkie John Fahey had covered it. I have unfortunately not heard John Fahey's music, but if this is anything at all what he sounds like, I want all of his albums, like right now. Kicked off by the coolest acoustic blues lick I may have ever heard and kudos again to Deschanel for the heavenly vocals.
To Save Me- This weird number could have been a huge hit in the 70's. What with the righteous piano, the doo-doo-doo back up vocals provided by Granddaddy frontman Jason Lytle and the trippy keyboard riffs, this could have been on a Yes album.
One Hundred Million Years- This song could have been a Carter Family traditional. You could mistake it for a cover easily, but that's what is so cool about Ward; his old soul combined with modern tastes for the strange and idiosyncratic.
Stars of Leo- A psychedelic downer, if that's possible. For some reason, this song, lyrically, reminds me of "Tambourine Man" by Bob Dylan. I always think of someone totally down on their luck, like Dylan's junkie in "Tambourine Man", when listening to this song.
Fisher of Men- A boom-chicka-booming song that reminds me of early Johnny Cash on Sun Records. This version sounds something like what would happen if Cash sang this song with Superchunk as his backing band. Truly inspired lead guitar lines and lyrics about a predatory fellow who is a relationship destroyer fishing for real human beings.
Oh Lonesome Me- A Don Gibson cover and a duet with alt-country goddess Lucinda Williams. No greater wallflower anthem will ever be written.
Epistemology- A grand offering to some woman of Ward's dreams. This song could easily be covered by Bruce Springsteen. It sounds just as good as anything from Born to Run.
Blake's View- A lament for someone who has lost someone. Comforting not only lyrically, but sonically with Ward's hushed acoustic as accompaniment.
Shangri-La- A cool folkie song about a far off place just within reach. Sounds even better when juxtaposed against the previous song, all about death. This song seems like a celebration of life.
Outro (I'm A Fool To Want You)- On the CD package, this song is listed only as "Outro", but on the inside of the album booklet you find out it's an instrumental version of the Frank Sinatra tune "I'm A Fool To Want You". It's a sage pick and an excellent album closer.

Sorry, that wasn't so short. But what do you expect? Greatness like Ward's must be trumpeted from the heavens. Let's all join Conor Oberst of Bright Eyes in making M. Ward our next president! Let his economic policy be as grand as Hold Time!!!

The Final Frontier?

2009-03-19T15:31:00.000-07:00

Anyone who knows me well knows that I, Noah Vance, am an avid fan of the television series Star Trek and all of it's subsequent machinations (Star Trek: the Animated Series, the Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, Voyager and Enterprise). On the bottom of the page is a preview for the new film coming out May 8th (only 50 days left!) which I have been feverishly anticipating for the past year since reading a rumor about it in a TV Guide. I want to establish that I am an uber-fan before I say what I am about to say; the Star Trek world of the 22nd, 23rd and 24th centuries are based on what I would label a socialist or even communist society, and some of it is somewhat dangerous to Christianity and world religion as a whole. Take a second to let that sink in. A beloved television show that most people have seen episodes of is generally based in socialist thinking. Of course, when Gene Roddenberry envisioned this future time period when all would be equal, where there would be no disease, no war, I know that he did not try to create a communist television show. All he was trying to do was depict a utopian future well within humanity's grasp, but nonetheless, when you take a look at what these people of the future are actually doing, you can get that distinct impression.
I have several sub-points here to help people understand what parts of Trek are socialist in definition.

In the world of Star Trek, there is no monetary currency on Earth.

In the Star Trek film, First Contact, Captain Jean-Luc Picard tries to explain future living conditions to a woman from the late 21st century brought onto the ship during a medical emergency. He explains that the Earth of the future does not run on money, but rather the need to do good for the collective society and for onesself. The order of the day is brotherhood, and the furtherment of mankind as a whole. Earth generally has no economy although human members of Starfleet often use Federation currency, called credits, on items when away from Earth (by the late 22nd century Earth is apart of the Federation of Planets, a sprawling political field spreading throughout a quarter of our galaxy that includes hundreds of other species, some even similar to humans. Starfleet is the extension of this government and is the primary military and exploratory group in the Federation. They are very similar to Earth's Navy). Although this sounds good for a TV show or film, the ideas being expressed here are basically socialist.

2. In the world of Star Trek, at one point the entire world came under one government.

After World War III (a bloody war that took place in the mid-21st century that left Earth an irradiated wasteland until Zefram Cochrane made the first warp capable craft at Bozeman, Montana and subsequently drove the Vulcans to make First Contact with humanity), the entire world united under the United Earth government, an action spurred on by First Contact with the Vulcans. The last nation to be involved was Australia, who preferred to remain independent, but eventually gave in to the United Earth regime. Although this sounds externally like a good thing, if you look at this policy in real life, it looks like a totalitarian state.

3. In the world of Star Trek, religion ceases to exist at some point.

In Star Trek: Enterprise, religion does still exist (Dr. Phlox, a Denobulan, states that he attended a Catholic mass and meditated with several Buddhist monks while on Earth) and perhaps it still exists in the Original Series, set 100 years after Enterprise, but by the time we get to the Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, and Voyager, which are set 100 years after the Original Series, many of these scientifically minded people of the 23rd century state that religion was nothing but foolish myths left behind long ago in favor of scientific advancement. This is one of the more dangerous ideas posed by Star Trek, but it can be related to the fact that Roddenberry himself was a humanist who didn't adhere to any particular religious beliefs. His view was that humanity is basically good and that we have the potential to do great things without God, so his characters reflected this attitude, and we should expect this from a non-believer (believe it or not, non-Christians act like non-Christians. Some folks have a hard time with this). Roddenberry didn't tackle this issue as much as in the Original Series, but the writers for the others went to town with this subject. In what I've seen of the world, science and religion don't butt heads as much as people think they do. I would like to quote Southern Baptist Theological Seminary Professor Travis Kerns; "Science and religion don't disagree as much as we think. It's the scientists and the Christians who have the problems."

In our current political situation, many right-wing politicians cried "socialist" when Barack Obama stated he wanted to "spread the wealth around". This is a socialist idea by definition. The definition of socialism, as defined by the Microsoft Encarta Dictionary is "a political system of communal ownership". "Spreading the wealth around" is a form of communal ownership, but Mr. Obama does not believe this way. President Obama has the same facile grip of an idea of a society where we all help one another and there is a communal sense of unity, as Gene Roddenberry did. The point is, it was OK for Mr. Roddenberry to have these ideas. They didn't have to be perfect politically. All his ideas were designed to do was inspire hope and they caused people to innovate new things in technology. Star Trek inspired the cell phone, the personal computer, even the iPod. What's dangerous is when politicians promise to meet these lofty heights when the ideas themselves, when put into real context, are really not optimum for a functioning government. Recently Zachary Quinto, the actor playing the past version of Spock in the new Trek movie, said that if Barack Obama was president when this movie came out, that it would be wonderful because people could actually hope to live in the future of Star Trek. He may be right, but, is this world, minus the neat-o spaceships, transporters and exploration, really a world we want to live in? Just a thought.

So, even though Star Trek is merely a TV show (I am, and always shall be a huge fan), some of the ideas put forth may not be so workable in a real socio-political environment. As always feel free to give me any comments. This blog is not set up for me to merely rant, but also for me to learn from others. That's one of the great things about the Internet... which was also inspired by Star Trek.

Live Long and Prosper,

Noah

My New Blog

2009-03-19T14:23:00.000-07:00

Hello friends, family, neighbors and whoever else is on my blog! I have finally got a blog of my own to share my thoughts about anything and everything. Your excitement is so palpable I can feel it right now as you are reading this, wherever I might be. So I'm fairly excited about all this, being transported to 21st century and all. I have actually wanted to set up a blog for some time now, but what spurred me to do it was two speakers I heard at a conference I went on with my youth group from church last weekend. Everything about this conference was educational, edifying, and mind-opening... besides the aforementioned speakers. All the other speakers (the likes of Albert Mohler and several professors at the seminary no less) were wonderful, but I couldn't stand these two other guys. I will not name names, but some people reading this blog will know exactly who I'm talking about.
What they where trying to convey is that teenagers today don't have high enough expectations set down by the society as a whole, which I totally agree with, but they did it in a way that I felt was totally patronizing. These fellows speak to teenagers about how they want to abolish the "teen" culture (which is the culture that tells teens to get out all your wild, reckless abandon now before you're all old, and you can do that by buying our product) yet these two thrive within the "teen" culture itself! They need the "teen" culture to function! The only thing I got out of their spiel was how they started a blog when they were younger and achieved nationwide fame for their ideas. I was like, "The world thinks these cats have some cool ideas? I got way cooler ideas..." and so, this was the impetus that drove me here to my keyboard to get down all my thoughts. I will post pretty often, and from now on, I promise to be less rambling and to have real, well thought out topics. This was a test run (pretty good though, right?).